a summary of my psychic mechanisms

If you've seen my homepage, www.ces.clemson.edu/~mdaniel, you might have noticed that I claim to possess psychic ability.  Jimmy Mu challenged this claim tonight, and just clear everything up, I'd like to post a polished and edited FAQ we had.

Jimmy Mu: Dude, are you psychic?

Matthew Daniels: Absolutely!

JM: Read my mind right now!

MD: Sorry, I can't.  We have to be in relatively close range; you'd understand if you knew the mechanics of it.

JM: Well... can you read Rob's mind, since he's on campus?

MD: "BERR I LOVE STARCRAFT BUHDOH."  Heh.  Well, he thought that at one point, at least.  See, the thing is, thought waves -- or, more accurately, eddies, as we don't want to think of these as electromagnetic waves -- actually travel pretty slowly.  By the time I get a long range one, it may be pretty outdated.

JM: Tell us how you became psychic.

MD: Lots of pomegranate tea, actually.

JM: Are you sure?

MD: Well, no.  But that was the only significant lifestyle change I experienced leading up to my psychic abilities' manifestation.  There may very well have been other factors of which I was unaware.

JM: Matt, define "being psychic."

MD: Well, my brain has the ability to interpret radio-like waves which are ambient in the oosphere and which are transmitted from all sentient minds during the processes of conscious and unconscious thought -- but not during REM sleep.

JM:  Well, that's pretty amazing.  But can you predict the future?

MD: Only if I'm reading the mind of someone who can!  But who knows?  Maybe given enough time (and enough tea), I will.

JM:  How accurate are your abilities?

MD:  Well, I'm still perfecting them.  Right now, it seems that I only have a 50%-60% success interpretation rate.  I guess I'm still kind of tuning to the eddies' frequencies.  Oftentimes, I can finish sentences, know what people's plans are, or understand how they're feeling at the moment.  In the case of someone who's geographically distant, I might know what they were doing or thinking this morning (since the wave takes a while to catch up to me).

JM:  Cool!  Do you believe in other paranormal phenomena?

MD:  Not yet.  I've never contacted non-humanoids.  Unless, of course, you count yourself.